I had a little melt down on Friday night, to the point of not wanting tomorrow to come. I was sobbing uncontrollably at the fact that I was sick, again (And alone…out of my own choice!)
I had to cancel my Wednesday class (which I never do) and was man down for 2 days in bed with a flu. Throat, chest, head, felt like my whole fukken body at one stage. But I made it through and found myself sitting there sobbing.
Sobbing at the fact that I’m tired. I’m tired of always being sick. If it’s not this it’s that and if it’s not that it’s this and quite frankly it’s way too fukken boring for words.
But what did jump out at me was the fact that I have been alone for so long, that I’m used to taking care of myself..
I see my mother all over again and although my mom was an epic human and I love her so much that she is my hero, I do not want to be like her in my more mature years!! (If I make it alive that long!) apart from the fact that she was alone, as in single, is not the thing, the fact that she would never allow anyone to take care of her or pamper her, is the thing.
I’ve realized that’s it’s true for me too, I have so many wonderful people in my life that I know I can call on but don’t. What is that about?! Why is it so difficult to ask for help? It’s not that I’m worried people will think I’m weak... I have nothing to hide when it comes to openness. What I think I realized is that I don’t want to be a burden and when one is ill or not on top form we think of ourselves as burdens? Could this be the reason why I had my meltdown, that I’m scared to be a burden? Goddamn, I definitely need to go back to therapy!
I know I’m not alone in this.
Thanks for reading