I am sitting in a place of immense self doubt. My moods have kinda stabilised…the doc took me off 30mg of Yelate which means I’m not rapid cycling as much
Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. Thanks google!
but now I feel pain from the Rheumatoid Arthritis more. So, I have found a new supplier of cannabis oil and I am using it topically everyday twice a day on my hands and knee. It helps although sometimes I have been tempted to drink the entire bottle in one go, I have managed to restrain myself. I am finding the oil to be good as a pain killer…I cannot take anti inflammatories because I take Lithium. So the never ending balance continues, Fucking exhausting to say the least.
Anyway, as I was saying- self doubt, ahhhh yes, I am undergoing some changes in my life at the moment, well we all undergo changes in life, right? The changes are all for the good, they are positive changes… I have started a new form of therapy called BWRT Brain Wave Recursive Therapy which I will write about more at a later stage. It is therapy though and with therapy comes change and possibly new understandings and self work which is even more fucking exhausting!!! It feels good though and constructive in the way that its helping me rewire my patterning, responses, reactions and generally helping me make healthier and well rounded choices. Eeeeekkkkk
My youngest son has come back to live with me which is a most wonderful gift as he hasn’t been living with me for the past 10 years, I have become selfish living on my own and this change is also teaching me. We are both teaching each other.
The self doubt thing is really around my work I guess, my creative process has also undergone immense change and I find myself doing the “not good enough” thing…which can be good for one as it keeps you critical of your work and makes you produce only the best that you can. It can however get totally out of control and I start having a meltdown while scrolling through instagram and seeing the insane work that people are producing and then wonder wtf I am doing…. Logically I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself or my work to anyone else and I know my work does not appeal to all people, I don’t know why I do it. Its an insecurity that creeps up and I have to keep pep talking myself and saying “its ok Ashleigh” and I know change is happening and with that comes a little upheaval and then it settles again. Theres more thats going on but I feel like ~I have had a good vomit on here so I will end now.
‘Issues from the past can be your biggest focus as the month comes to an end with Mars moving backward in Aquarius, and you may be dealing with trying to get rid of something you thought you were done with long ago, trying to deal with some subconscious drama, or having to let go of something you don’t feel quite ready to yet. Your emotions can swirl around and make you feel a bit disheveled, so make sure you’re taking enough time to yourself to tend to your own inner needs and get in touch with yourself. If you’re feeling exhausted, that’s your cue to step back and get some rest, quiet, and isolation.’
These are my stars from Jasmin Bolands site you can find yours here! https://www.moonology.com/pisces/