top picture is in the height of insanity. Bottom is just a month ago
2019 was not an easy year for many people, for me it’s one of the worst times I’ve had in 48 years on this planet. It was a year of anguish and pain which I never want to revisit.
It began with a hospitalisation in March, for a depressive episode, and continued to bump and churn me around in the breakers until mid November. With immense intensity
I had developed panic attacks and anxiety...and one of them had taken me to the emergency rooms, in mid May, at a hospital I don't go to. I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital where I was admitted under a new doctor, Doctor Moola. What a mess that turned out to be.
He promptly took me off all my meds and put me onto Zoxydon and Trazadone and Orlexar. I was in the hospital for 14 days and ran out of medical aid so had to leave, I was nowhere near well enough to leave. I was anxious and depressed. The next couple of months I spent trying to convince Dr Moola that I needed to go back on the Lithium, he was having none of it. My sister would Facetime me numerous times a day from London to check up on me.
I was suicidal and the anxiety was eating away at me. I had lost 8kgs and was fading away. I attempted suicide by hanging myself with my hairdryer cord which snapped and I woke up on the floor with a very sore back. The second attempt was with a rope that I had bought from Builders Warehouse earlier in the day because I knew my son would be sleeping out that night and I could be alone and hang myself, get out of these breakers once and for all. I was finding it very difficult to function. My mind was in a knot, I wasn't sleeping, and I could barely face people. I attempted to hang myself that night only to be left with rope burn marks on my neck for the next 2 weeks, there was a moment of sanity and I managed to get back on the chair and un-noose myself. From there I went to stay with friends, for them I am eternally grateful. They gently held me when I wasn't able to live. They tried desperately to get an appointment with my old psychiatrist who had been away. In the meantime they came with me to Moola, he proceeded to inject me with something that knocked me out for 3 days. still no Lithium... Eventually, after much insisting from myself and my beloved friend, he wrote a script for Lithium and I started. It took 3 weeks for to kick in but in the meantime I was teaching my classes-I'm not sure how I did it, but I did, and my students stood by my through it all. I am blessed.
The Lithium slowly started to take effect and I also started CBD oil for the anxiety. I would do breathing techniques to try and calm myself from the anxiety attacks. There is nothing quite like it. Being consumed by fear and terror. The average approach to anxiety by the doctors is to prescribe benzodiazepines but they wouldn’t give them to me as I am an addict and have been addicted to them in the past.
November came and I think I slowly started to feel like myself again, I had started sleeping and eating which always helps but was still not interested in life in general. I know I'm not well when showering or bathing feels like climbing a mountain. I was moving out of those breakers, even if for moments, something was shifting and I began to feel lighter and less churned up and the terror of life had subsided.
There were times when I really thought I was going to drown in those breakers but now I am beyond them and the sea is reasonably calm. I am back on my old regime of medication and seeing my old psychiatrist. Lesson: when you are having an episode insist on going to your regular doctor.